The Grind

Well I'm stuck at work with plenty to do and a half empty department and I'm bored stupid. I SO don't want to be here right now. Think I'm getting the pre-Christmas blues. Figured out that it's 44 days until Christmas day .... 49 until I get to mark the anniversary of the day my life started falling apart …. that's depressing. Glad all my Christmas shopping is done. I've also realised I’ve spent a year in a job that depresses and annoys me in equal measure and trying to find ways to escape. That's not healthy. I have an overwhelming urge to blog. I need to get some shit out of my system I think.

It's been nice that the boss hasn't been here the last couple of weeks. It's meant we can actually have a conversation for a change without feeling stares at your back or getting sarcastic comments about the Women’s Institute. Have I mentioned my boss exasperates me?? No?? Well I meant to .... he seems to be coasting until retirement. He doesn't want to rock the boat so he won't have to actually do anything .... like addressing the issues in the department no matter how often they’re brought to his attention. It’s so dysfunctional it isn’t even funny. There’s the expectation that, when he retires in a few years, the QA department will cease to exist. I’m actually hoping for that day to come if I can’t get out.

He's back on Wednesday. I was hoping I wouldn't be here, that I would have motivated myself to apply for a new job while I was on leave a couple of weeks back, been offered it, handed my notice to HR and then only had to deal with him for about a week and a half .... not a chance though. Just not had the energy .... I need to do something though. I know. I need to stop talking about it and Nike it but I'm too chicken!! Lol!! At least I KNOW I’m chicken.

I think I've convinced myself to apply for it but I'm finding it hard to send the application. It's funny because a couple of years ago I was doing everything in my power to escape .... applying for anything and everything. I think my confidence took a real knock at my old job. I couldn't do right for doing wrong there and when I was made redundant I was a mess because I was just getting myself sorted out. That was the second time the rug was pulled out from under me. I sometimes feel the same way about this job - that I can't do right for doing wrong, and that I should have "No fucker told me!!" tattooed on my forehead!! Thing is it seems to be affecting every other part of my life lately …. either that or I’m bi-polar (sorry tri-polar. ;)). It’s also ironic that I’ve been listening a lot to the new Bon Jovi album – yes, I finally listened to it and have had it on repeat for near enough a fortnight. Every word of that album is telling me that I need to start doing for myself, that I’ve earned the right to do so and I need to grab life by the balls and go for it, but even that hasn’t quite spurred me on yet.

After my positivity about Wii-ing the other day I’m struggling to find the motivation to actually do it. After a full day working somewhere that seems to suck the life out of you and destroy your soul, the last thing I want to do is come home and work out. I just want to unwind after 8 hours of being shit on from a great height.

The entire situation I find myself in at the moment isn’t helped by the fact that my mother has an incredible ability to shit on everything I decide from a great height so I then back way very quickly and doubt myself. Rather than just being supportive and saying “go for it, if it doesn’t work out at least you can come home knowing you gave it a shot” she becomes realistic and it just makes me second guess myself and my decision. Drives me nuts!! I don’t know if part of it is because I am her only child and she’s trying to protect me, or to not lose me, but I’m treading water and I’m tired. I’m not quite ready to resign myself to the life plan that seems to be set out before me at the moment. I think my first act of ‘rebellion’ has been to go against everything I was brought up to believe in a financial sense and ‘waste’ my money on a holiday (or several). I don’t think she’s exactly happy about it, but I definitely wasn’t about to let her shit on that too. I will get to see new places, meet new people, and go and see the band I’ve loved for 15 years on their own turf. That can only be a good thing. My life has been on hold for so long. Surely I’m allowed a break??

In other news, my 3 day old pair of uniform trousers split down the seam at some point. Not as embarrassing as you might imagine but I noticed a thigh height breeze as I was walking across the car park after work last night and the stitching had gone. Looked like it had run out of cotton tbh but it hardly says good quality. It's about an inch long .... doesn't bode well but I'm going to employ mummy dearest to fix it. I should probably complain to work but the way it is in that place it won't do any good. No-one gives a damn .... they couldn't be arsed to help with a solution when my blouses were itchy as hell so I doubt anyone'll give a damn now ....

Anyway, back to the grind and my last few days of boss-less freedom .... if anyone sees the Jovi Jet, send it my way. I would like to be rescued thank you very much …. *sigh*