Two weeks ago I espoused the virtues of online friendships and I stand by every word. However this last week or so I was privy to the darker side of online friends.
It’s not as if I’m stupid enough not to realise that a person can be whoever they want to be on the internet; that they can make up any story they want and make people believe it, and take it to whatever conclusion they wish. However these can take a much sinister turn.
Two weeks ago I spoke of how one of my online friends had been suffering with cancer and how the disease had finally taken her life. Now however it seems all is not quite as it seems, and I still feel wholly manipulated, betrayed and pissed off by events.
It’s a long and sordid tale. A classic tale of ‘love’, loss and betrayal …. at least from one party’s point of view anyway. I became aware of the true extent of the whole situation both as it was coming to a head and afterwards. Suffice it to say that the friend I thought had died actually hadn’t. Believe me when I say that I can’t believe I could be so gullible but I think any ‘normal’ person wouldn’t make up a story about such a serious condition, and I’m not the only one to feel this way. Taking it one step further and creating a second persona to carry on the argument was also just beyond reproach, especially as it seems that was the sole purpose of returning.
She may have seen this decision as a chance at payback at those who she’d fallen out with, but she failed to consider the effects on the people who actually cared and mourned for her. And that is where my issues come. It’s one thing to pretend you’re successful, or to be much more extroverted when ‘faced’ with strangers on the internet, but preying on people’s emotions just to get one over on people you don’t particularly get on with is downright despicable.
In the end she was outed by a family member, but still, the amount of pain and hurt she caused with that one ill thought out action will stay with those who did care, for a while yet. As I mentioned earlier, I myself am alternating between feeling hurt and betrayed, and absolutely livid. The profiles in question have now been deleted, however there are rumours amongst my Facebook friends that more of her personalities are alive and well on there ….
I suppose we will never truly know what motivated such actions. For all we, as a community, know she could have been ill, and illnesses cause people to do strange things. Similarly she could have just been a manipulative attention seeker who wanted people to take sides against people who really had done nothing wrong. It could have been all of the above. One thing I do know though is I think I am now a little wiser. I’m not going to ask for documented evidence of whatever is going on with people, but I think I will take whatever people say with a pinch of salt and try to be less naïve. However, I can’t see how successful that will be. My nature means I look for the good in people first which makes me a prime target for this kind of manipulation.
I like the way one (actually several have said it in different ways) of my Facebook friends described the situation: “lots of people were taken in by her... it makes you a good person. Don't feel bad for making a friend... You can't control the actions of other people, just your reaction to them. You have done nothing wrong.” And she’s right. I did nothing wrong. My good nature was taken advantage of. I need to remember that, work through how I feel about that and try not to let it change me.
Fool me once .... shame on you. Fool me twice .... shame on me
Sunday 27 September 2009
Sunday 13 September 2009
“I’ll Go The Distance”
It’s funny how much of an impact someone can have on your life in such a short period of time. Especially one you’ve never actually met face to face.
I have been a member of Facebook for quite a while now, and along the way I have picked up a lot of fun and interesting people. In fact, my online friendships have been more successful than most of my offline friendships. I guess because the Internet manages to bridge the distance between people who share the same interests. The closest friends I have had in recent years have come from different corners of the globe – some easy to get to, some not quite so much -- but people that I don't suspect I would have had in my life were it not for the internet and it's communities. But anyway I digress.
Some time ago I met a lady on Facebook. She was fantastic and someone else I would never have had the pleasure of knowing if it weren't for that wonderful combination of electrons. She was suffering with brain cancer but in all the time I knew her I never saw her let it bother her, and until very recently I never knew the true extent of her condition. It took me some time to get the courage up to actually ask her what was wrong with her, mainly because I didn’t want her to think I was prying or being nosey if she didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t even realise how much she actually liked me until a few weeks ago and during those few weeks we became very close. She confided in me about things that were bothering her and valued my input on them – in my opinion the true measure of a wonderful friendship.
This evening I received the upsetting news that she had been hospitalised due to her worsening condition and that her condition was much further on than she had let on to me. I (or rather we) were told via Facebook messages and status updates that she had passed away at 11:15 pm BST and I was quite shocked at my reaction. I cried. I’m not a person who cries often, and I’ve always kept a tight rein on my emotions, but as I read the developments I couldn’t help but feel myself well up and my heart break. I last spoke to her last Thursday and ironically I had sent her a message this morning asking how she was because I hadn’t heard from her and I was worried.
I’ve appreciated for some time the value of the internet. As I said earlier, my best friends live in my computer. Most of them have helped me through some tough times, mostly documented in this blog and much more effectively than people in my own airspace simply because I could open up completely without fear of being judged. I could let out all my anguish and despair and not worry that they would think me weak, or withholding important facts that helped them to help me. As I type this now I am messaging two of these friends who are helping me deal with what I’m feeling.
People say the internet is a barrier to good relationships with other people, but the truth is I think it’s better. You may not actually see them every day but they are just a message or post away from helping you to feel better and to guide you through the turmoil in your life. Bless you my friends ....
"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand." ~ Traditional Gaelic Blessing
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RIP Linda. May you find the peace and serenity you deserve and may you now be free of pain.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep, I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die."
Mary Elizabeth Frye - 1932
I have been a member of Facebook for quite a while now, and along the way I have picked up a lot of fun and interesting people. In fact, my online friendships have been more successful than most of my offline friendships. I guess because the Internet manages to bridge the distance between people who share the same interests. The closest friends I have had in recent years have come from different corners of the globe – some easy to get to, some not quite so much -- but people that I don't suspect I would have had in my life were it not for the internet and it's communities. But anyway I digress.
Some time ago I met a lady on Facebook. She was fantastic and someone else I would never have had the pleasure of knowing if it weren't for that wonderful combination of electrons. She was suffering with brain cancer but in all the time I knew her I never saw her let it bother her, and until very recently I never knew the true extent of her condition. It took me some time to get the courage up to actually ask her what was wrong with her, mainly because I didn’t want her to think I was prying or being nosey if she didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t even realise how much she actually liked me until a few weeks ago and during those few weeks we became very close. She confided in me about things that were bothering her and valued my input on them – in my opinion the true measure of a wonderful friendship.
This evening I received the upsetting news that she had been hospitalised due to her worsening condition and that her condition was much further on than she had let on to me. I (or rather we) were told via Facebook messages and status updates that she had passed away at 11:15 pm BST and I was quite shocked at my reaction. I cried. I’m not a person who cries often, and I’ve always kept a tight rein on my emotions, but as I read the developments I couldn’t help but feel myself well up and my heart break. I last spoke to her last Thursday and ironically I had sent her a message this morning asking how she was because I hadn’t heard from her and I was worried.
I’ve appreciated for some time the value of the internet. As I said earlier, my best friends live in my computer. Most of them have helped me through some tough times, mostly documented in this blog and much more effectively than people in my own airspace simply because I could open up completely without fear of being judged. I could let out all my anguish and despair and not worry that they would think me weak, or withholding important facts that helped them to help me. As I type this now I am messaging two of these friends who are helping me deal with what I’m feeling.
People say the internet is a barrier to good relationships with other people, but the truth is I think it’s better. You may not actually see them every day but they are just a message or post away from helping you to feel better and to guide you through the turmoil in your life. Bless you my friends ....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIP Linda. May you find the peace and serenity you deserve and may you now be free of pain.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep, I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die."
Mary Elizabeth Frye - 1932
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