Intuitive Leaps

I’m in a quandary. I’ve found what I consider to be the perfect job. It seems to encompass several of the things I enjoy most – surfing the Internet, taking photos, going to gigs and meeting people but bizarrely I’m having a crisis.

Something is holding me back from taking that first step and submitting my application for consideration. I don’t know if it’s because it would involve leaving everything I know where I am now and moving down to London, if it’s a lack of confidence in my ability to both win and carry out the job, it may even be down to some misplaced loyalty to my current employer who made me an official permanent employee as of Monday, but there’s definitely SOMETHING that’s stopping me from taking that step.

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s one of those jobs that don’t come up very often – the kind of job that most people would love because it seems so different from the humdrum life of an office. It may even lead on to bigger and better things in the future .... so why the HELL is it so difficult to just do it. Why do I seem ‘happier’ to stay where I am and spend the nest 20 or 30 years in a rut in Hell. Maybe I’m just not ready, even at [nearly] 30 to be an adult. I see all my friends being grown up and having families and buying houses, living in their own places and doing for them – bollocks to everyone else .... so why am I still here. Maybe it’s the years spent being responsible for my Dad’s sake that became lost and wasted years, maybe it’s the years I spent being miserable at my last proper job, maybe part of me thinks I should be the one who stays home and looks after house while my mother goes out socialising every night.

Whatever it is it’s not conducive to the life I want .... but I need to get myself sorted before life passes me by completely and I find myself sitting alone wondering where it all went ....