Well the plans for the big 3-0 didn’t exactly fall through. More like been put on hiatus for reasons only a few of us know, but it’s still a big year for me so I decided to do something very silly and make it a full on Jovi year …. well, for a few months anyway but it’ll feel longer!! Lol!!
I will admit that as much as I would love to follow the boys from country to country, staying in the same hotels and seeing every show they do next year (and, it seems, sounding more and more like a stalker) I’m afraid my budget will only stretch so far so I had to set me a limit. That limit became a little more flexible as time went on but meh. I have the savings, I can’t take it with me, and I have a lot of Jovi time to make up for.
I’ve been saving religiously for …. well I’m not really sure what for these days. The original plan was to pay off my student loan. At some point I figured “Fuck it. It’s not costing me anything and it won’t be used against me if and when I go for a mortgage” and then, bolstered by an unexpected win on the Premium Bonds a couple of years back, began saving just because it had become a habit, a good habit, but a habit nonetheless. Suffice it to say in the 7 years I’ve been saving I’ve managed to get a nice little nest egg together to use for a deposit or whatever.
I’ve not really gone without during that period and figured it was about time I treated myself so that was one of the reasons for the NY trip. Now that’s been postponed for a year or so I decided to use some of what I had put away. I’m still saving my money but at the moment what I have is sitting in the bank earning next to no interest (and don’t get me started on what a set of divs Gordon Brown, Mervyn King and the Bank of England are because I may say something I regret – seems everyone else knows how to fix the problem of the economy bar the people who have the power, but then I digress) so may as well use some of it …. so I did it. It’s not something I expect I’ll do regularly but once in a blue moon does no harm. As I have few overheads I can continue to be financially responsible and should be able to replace what I spend in good time.
Truth of it is, it’s one thing to be sensible with your finances, but it’s quite another to put this money away and then die before getting to use it. ;) To quote a well known piece of musical genius “it’s my life, it’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live forever” and if I do die with this nice little nest egg having never been used I will most certainly be kicking myself …. metaphysically speaking ….
So what did I do? I may have bought VIP packages to various Bon Jovi gigs in London, Mecca (aka New Jersey) and, in the next day or 2, Dallas. Like I said, it’s not something I expect I’ll do regularly but this year I wanted to. I also figured I’m past due. It’s been 18 months since I last saw the boys (admittedly a drop in the ocean compared to some!) and I didn’t do anything spectacular, or at ALL, for my 16th, 18th or 21st birthdays for various reasons, the main one being my Dad. AGAIN!!! Loved him to messes but he cocked it all up for several years even though it wasn’t his fault – not like he ASKED to be ill.
And let’s be honest here, what Jovi fan, in their right mind, is going to turn down the opportunity to go to a gig on or at least that near to their birthday; to have their favourite band at their ‘party’. Here’s hoping the girls fix it for me to be serenaded. They’re under orders to ensure they are displaying signage on the night which says “it’s my buds birthday tomorrow Richie. Sing something different for her, and then give her a big sloppy kiss!!” I’m so sick of I’ll Be There For You ….
So that’s the plan. I’m both excited and apprehensive. It’s going to be a whole new adventure having never even got on a plane before. I’m assured it’s like climbing on a bus. It’s quite a leap for the girl who’s never left our fair shores and has only ever driven alone as far afield as Plymouth.
Roll on 2010 ….. :D
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Sunday, 27 September 2009
You Never Really Know
Two weeks ago I espoused the virtues of online friendships and I stand by every word. However this last week or so I was privy to the darker side of online friends.
It’s not as if I’m stupid enough not to realise that a person can be whoever they want to be on the internet; that they can make up any story they want and make people believe it, and take it to whatever conclusion they wish. However these can take a much sinister turn.
Two weeks ago I spoke of how one of my online friends had been suffering with cancer and how the disease had finally taken her life. Now however it seems all is not quite as it seems, and I still feel wholly manipulated, betrayed and pissed off by events.
It’s a long and sordid tale. A classic tale of ‘love’, loss and betrayal …. at least from one party’s point of view anyway. I became aware of the true extent of the whole situation both as it was coming to a head and afterwards. Suffice it to say that the friend I thought had died actually hadn’t. Believe me when I say that I can’t believe I could be so gullible but I think any ‘normal’ person wouldn’t make up a story about such a serious condition, and I’m not the only one to feel this way. Taking it one step further and creating a second persona to carry on the argument was also just beyond reproach, especially as it seems that was the sole purpose of returning.
She may have seen this decision as a chance at payback at those who she’d fallen out with, but she failed to consider the effects on the people who actually cared and mourned for her. And that is where my issues come. It’s one thing to pretend you’re successful, or to be much more extroverted when ‘faced’ with strangers on the internet, but preying on people’s emotions just to get one over on people you don’t particularly get on with is downright despicable.
In the end she was outed by a family member, but still, the amount of pain and hurt she caused with that one ill thought out action will stay with those who did care, for a while yet. As I mentioned earlier, I myself am alternating between feeling hurt and betrayed, and absolutely livid. The profiles in question have now been deleted, however there are rumours amongst my Facebook friends that more of her personalities are alive and well on there ….
I suppose we will never truly know what motivated such actions. For all we, as a community, know she could have been ill, and illnesses cause people to do strange things. Similarly she could have just been a manipulative attention seeker who wanted people to take sides against people who really had done nothing wrong. It could have been all of the above. One thing I do know though is I think I am now a little wiser. I’m not going to ask for documented evidence of whatever is going on with people, but I think I will take whatever people say with a pinch of salt and try to be less naïve. However, I can’t see how successful that will be. My nature means I look for the good in people first which makes me a prime target for this kind of manipulation.
I like the way one (actually several have said it in different ways) of my Facebook friends described the situation: “lots of people were taken in by her... it makes you a good person. Don't feel bad for making a friend... You can't control the actions of other people, just your reaction to them. You have done nothing wrong.” And she’s right. I did nothing wrong. My good nature was taken advantage of. I need to remember that, work through how I feel about that and try not to let it change me.
Fool me once .... shame on you. Fool me twice .... shame on me
It’s not as if I’m stupid enough not to realise that a person can be whoever they want to be on the internet; that they can make up any story they want and make people believe it, and take it to whatever conclusion they wish. However these can take a much sinister turn.
Two weeks ago I spoke of how one of my online friends had been suffering with cancer and how the disease had finally taken her life. Now however it seems all is not quite as it seems, and I still feel wholly manipulated, betrayed and pissed off by events.
It’s a long and sordid tale. A classic tale of ‘love’, loss and betrayal …. at least from one party’s point of view anyway. I became aware of the true extent of the whole situation both as it was coming to a head and afterwards. Suffice it to say that the friend I thought had died actually hadn’t. Believe me when I say that I can’t believe I could be so gullible but I think any ‘normal’ person wouldn’t make up a story about such a serious condition, and I’m not the only one to feel this way. Taking it one step further and creating a second persona to carry on the argument was also just beyond reproach, especially as it seems that was the sole purpose of returning.
She may have seen this decision as a chance at payback at those who she’d fallen out with, but she failed to consider the effects on the people who actually cared and mourned for her. And that is where my issues come. It’s one thing to pretend you’re successful, or to be much more extroverted when ‘faced’ with strangers on the internet, but preying on people’s emotions just to get one over on people you don’t particularly get on with is downright despicable.
In the end she was outed by a family member, but still, the amount of pain and hurt she caused with that one ill thought out action will stay with those who did care, for a while yet. As I mentioned earlier, I myself am alternating between feeling hurt and betrayed, and absolutely livid. The profiles in question have now been deleted, however there are rumours amongst my Facebook friends that more of her personalities are alive and well on there ….
I suppose we will never truly know what motivated such actions. For all we, as a community, know she could have been ill, and illnesses cause people to do strange things. Similarly she could have just been a manipulative attention seeker who wanted people to take sides against people who really had done nothing wrong. It could have been all of the above. One thing I do know though is I think I am now a little wiser. I’m not going to ask for documented evidence of whatever is going on with people, but I think I will take whatever people say with a pinch of salt and try to be less naïve. However, I can’t see how successful that will be. My nature means I look for the good in people first which makes me a prime target for this kind of manipulation.
I like the way one (actually several have said it in different ways) of my Facebook friends described the situation: “lots of people were taken in by her... it makes you a good person. Don't feel bad for making a friend... You can't control the actions of other people, just your reaction to them. You have done nothing wrong.” And she’s right. I did nothing wrong. My good nature was taken advantage of. I need to remember that, work through how I feel about that and try not to let it change me.
Fool me once .... shame on you. Fool me twice .... shame on me
Sunday, 13 September 2009
“I’ll Go The Distance”
It’s funny how much of an impact someone can have on your life in such a short period of time. Especially one you’ve never actually met face to face.
I have been a member of Facebook for quite a while now, and along the way I have picked up a lot of fun and interesting people. In fact, my online friendships have been more successful than most of my offline friendships. I guess because the Internet manages to bridge the distance between people who share the same interests. The closest friends I have had in recent years have come from different corners of the globe – some easy to get to, some not quite so much -- but people that I don't suspect I would have had in my life were it not for the internet and it's communities. But anyway I digress.
Some time ago I met a lady on Facebook. She was fantastic and someone else I would never have had the pleasure of knowing if it weren't for that wonderful combination of electrons. She was suffering with brain cancer but in all the time I knew her I never saw her let it bother her, and until very recently I never knew the true extent of her condition. It took me some time to get the courage up to actually ask her what was wrong with her, mainly because I didn’t want her to think I was prying or being nosey if she didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t even realise how much she actually liked me until a few weeks ago and during those few weeks we became very close. She confided in me about things that were bothering her and valued my input on them – in my opinion the true measure of a wonderful friendship.
This evening I received the upsetting news that she had been hospitalised due to her worsening condition and that her condition was much further on than she had let on to me. I (or rather we) were told via Facebook messages and status updates that she had passed away at 11:15 pm BST and I was quite shocked at my reaction. I cried. I’m not a person who cries often, and I’ve always kept a tight rein on my emotions, but as I read the developments I couldn’t help but feel myself well up and my heart break. I last spoke to her last Thursday and ironically I had sent her a message this morning asking how she was because I hadn’t heard from her and I was worried.
I’ve appreciated for some time the value of the internet. As I said earlier, my best friends live in my computer. Most of them have helped me through some tough times, mostly documented in this blog and much more effectively than people in my own airspace simply because I could open up completely without fear of being judged. I could let out all my anguish and despair and not worry that they would think me weak, or withholding important facts that helped them to help me. As I type this now I am messaging two of these friends who are helping me deal with what I’m feeling.
People say the internet is a barrier to good relationships with other people, but the truth is I think it’s better. You may not actually see them every day but they are just a message or post away from helping you to feel better and to guide you through the turmoil in your life. Bless you my friends ....
"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand." ~ Traditional Gaelic Blessing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIP Linda. May you find the peace and serenity you deserve and may you now be free of pain.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep, I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die."
Mary Elizabeth Frye - 1932
I have been a member of Facebook for quite a while now, and along the way I have picked up a lot of fun and interesting people. In fact, my online friendships have been more successful than most of my offline friendships. I guess because the Internet manages to bridge the distance between people who share the same interests. The closest friends I have had in recent years have come from different corners of the globe – some easy to get to, some not quite so much -- but people that I don't suspect I would have had in my life were it not for the internet and it's communities. But anyway I digress.
Some time ago I met a lady on Facebook. She was fantastic and someone else I would never have had the pleasure of knowing if it weren't for that wonderful combination of electrons. She was suffering with brain cancer but in all the time I knew her I never saw her let it bother her, and until very recently I never knew the true extent of her condition. It took me some time to get the courage up to actually ask her what was wrong with her, mainly because I didn’t want her to think I was prying or being nosey if she didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t even realise how much she actually liked me until a few weeks ago and during those few weeks we became very close. She confided in me about things that were bothering her and valued my input on them – in my opinion the true measure of a wonderful friendship.
This evening I received the upsetting news that she had been hospitalised due to her worsening condition and that her condition was much further on than she had let on to me. I (or rather we) were told via Facebook messages and status updates that she had passed away at 11:15 pm BST and I was quite shocked at my reaction. I cried. I’m not a person who cries often, and I’ve always kept a tight rein on my emotions, but as I read the developments I couldn’t help but feel myself well up and my heart break. I last spoke to her last Thursday and ironically I had sent her a message this morning asking how she was because I hadn’t heard from her and I was worried.
I’ve appreciated for some time the value of the internet. As I said earlier, my best friends live in my computer. Most of them have helped me through some tough times, mostly documented in this blog and much more effectively than people in my own airspace simply because I could open up completely without fear of being judged. I could let out all my anguish and despair and not worry that they would think me weak, or withholding important facts that helped them to help me. As I type this now I am messaging two of these friends who are helping me deal with what I’m feeling.
People say the internet is a barrier to good relationships with other people, but the truth is I think it’s better. You may not actually see them every day but they are just a message or post away from helping you to feel better and to guide you through the turmoil in your life. Bless you my friends ....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIP Linda. May you find the peace and serenity you deserve and may you now be free of pain.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep, I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die."
Mary Elizabeth Frye - 1932
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
In Memoriam Part 1
On the day of Michael Jackson’s burial and memorial service I find myself finally having thought through my feelings on the whole affair. I have to admit, I haven’t been watching the drama unfold since that fateful day 2 weeks ago when it was announced that the legendary King Of Pop had passed away suddenly. For many who had him as part of their life and musical history that was probably the day the music died. Of course, that is said of every high profile musician’s death. They said it when Lennon was killed and when Elvis died.
I’d wager that with the ease of access to information and the amount of access to the rest of the world there probably hasn’t been an outpouring of emotion quite like we’ve experienced with Michael Jackson. Not because he was any more or less of a legend than Elvis or Lennon, but because times have changed. With the advent of 24 hour news and the internet – where information is available at the touch of a button, anybody is able to publish their own take on it, and we are no longer slaves to handwritten word – we are struck by the immediacy of “as it happens” reporting. Gone are the days when it would take several days for all the facts to come out and the slow ripple effect as newspapers gather the data. Within hours of initial reports the world was in mourning.
Of course I was sad and numb for a while at the news of the passing of Michael Jackson. He was a large part of my musical history being my first conscious musical decision and one of a few that have been a constant during my “music loving” years, but what struck me most wasn’t the fact that he died, or even how he died, but one photograph on the front of a gossip magazine. One photo of a man being wheeled out on a gurney wearing an oxygen mask as they tried to save his life and a photo which I have utter contempt for the piece of scum that took it. That man was Michael Jackson, and that was not the way I wanted to remember the legend. Unfortunately, despite the various tributes paid to MJ over the past couple of weeks that image has stuck with me. I’m sure it will stick with me for a while to come as it is reminiscent of something I experienced personally some years back with my Dad, and has, for the longest time, been the only image of my dear departed dad that I have been able to remember. Even as I type this I can see my Dad suffering the same way I’m sure MJ did. For my sins though, my memory is only in my head. MJ’s children and family have now had that image splashed on magazines the world over and it will not be as easily forgotten. Memories do fade, especially the bad ones, but an image in print like that is not as easily discarded.
Something else that bothers me about the death of MJ, is the circus that seems to have followed it. When I heard about the memorial for MJ, I began thinking that sounded like a lovely idea. When I discovered the ticket lottery for it I thought that was a little distasteful – they are, in essence, tickets for a funeral, but when I read today about the star studded “gala” that the memorial is slated to be (celebrity guests including Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder, Kobe Bryant, Magic Johnson that I can recall as I type) I found myself absolutely shocked. Yes, tradition dictates that a wake is in order after a funeral – a way to honour the life of the dearly departed, but when a round of celebrities decide to partake in something that can be nothing but good publicity for them and their career I start to wonder about their true motives. Do they truly intend to honour the life of a musical legend or to get a leg up in their own career and garner extra publicity that they are lacking??
Maybe I’m just getting cynical in my old age but one of my online friends said it best about a week ago, mainly in reference to how a few of MJ’s own family members referred to him. We all know he was the King Of Pop, and those who knew him only as a superstar will, 90% of the time, refer to him as such. But when MJ’s own family members refer to him firstly as the King Of Pop and secondly as their brother/son etc it puts a whole new perspective on the way MJ was treated whilst he was alive. We have been told a lot in the past about MJ’s early life and career and how he was allegedly abused and no doubt turned into a money making machine by his own father, but I would expect that, despite all that, the emphasis, from the Jacksons at least should have been on family before fame. Please don't take this as an attack on Michael's family, for right now they are in pain over the loss of a cherished family member.
I will miss MJ and his contributions to the music world. Despite his problems and issues over the years there’s no denying that he was a genius and has the right to be remembered as such. Unfortunately, I strongly believe that for every person willing to remember MJ as such, there will be several more who will focus on his “freakishness”, rumour and legal problems. I read earlier on my Facebook feeds page, the friend of a friend relaying how amongst the floral trbutes laid throughout Los Angeles for the legend there sat one in very bad taste given the current circumstances, making references to the paedophilia accusations of several years ago. I just hope that in death he can find the peace that was so sorely lacking while he was alive.
I’d wager that with the ease of access to information and the amount of access to the rest of the world there probably hasn’t been an outpouring of emotion quite like we’ve experienced with Michael Jackson. Not because he was any more or less of a legend than Elvis or Lennon, but because times have changed. With the advent of 24 hour news and the internet – where information is available at the touch of a button, anybody is able to publish their own take on it, and we are no longer slaves to handwritten word – we are struck by the immediacy of “as it happens” reporting. Gone are the days when it would take several days for all the facts to come out and the slow ripple effect as newspapers gather the data. Within hours of initial reports the world was in mourning.
Of course I was sad and numb for a while at the news of the passing of Michael Jackson. He was a large part of my musical history being my first conscious musical decision and one of a few that have been a constant during my “music loving” years, but what struck me most wasn’t the fact that he died, or even how he died, but one photograph on the front of a gossip magazine. One photo of a man being wheeled out on a gurney wearing an oxygen mask as they tried to save his life and a photo which I have utter contempt for the piece of scum that took it. That man was Michael Jackson, and that was not the way I wanted to remember the legend. Unfortunately, despite the various tributes paid to MJ over the past couple of weeks that image has stuck with me. I’m sure it will stick with me for a while to come as it is reminiscent of something I experienced personally some years back with my Dad, and has, for the longest time, been the only image of my dear departed dad that I have been able to remember. Even as I type this I can see my Dad suffering the same way I’m sure MJ did. For my sins though, my memory is only in my head. MJ’s children and family have now had that image splashed on magazines the world over and it will not be as easily forgotten. Memories do fade, especially the bad ones, but an image in print like that is not as easily discarded.
Something else that bothers me about the death of MJ, is the circus that seems to have followed it. When I heard about the memorial for MJ, I began thinking that sounded like a lovely idea. When I discovered the ticket lottery for it I thought that was a little distasteful – they are, in essence, tickets for a funeral, but when I read today about the star studded “gala” that the memorial is slated to be (celebrity guests including Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder, Kobe Bryant, Magic Johnson that I can recall as I type) I found myself absolutely shocked. Yes, tradition dictates that a wake is in order after a funeral – a way to honour the life of the dearly departed, but when a round of celebrities decide to partake in something that can be nothing but good publicity for them and their career I start to wonder about their true motives. Do they truly intend to honour the life of a musical legend or to get a leg up in their own career and garner extra publicity that they are lacking??
Maybe I’m just getting cynical in my old age but one of my online friends said it best about a week ago, mainly in reference to how a few of MJ’s own family members referred to him. We all know he was the King Of Pop, and those who knew him only as a superstar will, 90% of the time, refer to him as such. But when MJ’s own family members refer to him firstly as the King Of Pop and secondly as their brother/son etc it puts a whole new perspective on the way MJ was treated whilst he was alive. We have been told a lot in the past about MJ’s early life and career and how he was allegedly abused and no doubt turned into a money making machine by his own father, but I would expect that, despite all that, the emphasis, from the Jacksons at least should have been on family before fame. Please don't take this as an attack on Michael's family, for right now they are in pain over the loss of a cherished family member.
I will miss MJ and his contributions to the music world. Despite his problems and issues over the years there’s no denying that he was a genius and has the right to be remembered as such. Unfortunately, I strongly believe that for every person willing to remember MJ as such, there will be several more who will focus on his “freakishness”, rumour and legal problems. I read earlier on my Facebook feeds page, the friend of a friend relaying how amongst the floral trbutes laid throughout Los Angeles for the legend there sat one in very bad taste given the current circumstances, making references to the paedophilia accusations of several years ago. I just hope that in death he can find the peace that was so sorely lacking while he was alive.
RIP Michael Jackson
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
It’s Christmas!!! Bah-Humbug!!
Sometimes I think there's still a big hole in my heart. It occurred to me yesterday when I got in a right state at work. Yesterday afternoon I'd got everything done that I could do which gave me time to think, which is never really a good idea anyway, but it's even worse in December …… and March. . I'd already had a bad week and my lack of work gave me time to reflect on my Dad and how he wasn't here. I just kind of sunk into some kind of funk in the space of a couple of hours. It was the longest afternoon of my life, with the exception of that first day back at work after the funeral.
I've not been too fond of Christmas since that year. It's supposed to be a joyous affair and you hear people discussing how they're spending Christmas with family and how they've bought their folks this, that and the other and it just reminds me that half my parentage isn't around anymore. The first year was the worst. It was coming up to the anniversary and I'd forced myself to get out there and socialise in the hopes it'd take my mind off it, and for a little while it did. I was at work's Christmas do and you know how these things work. All the Christmassy songs come at the end of the night and I was fine with Slade and the like, but then Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' came over the disco and I started crying. Not all out sobbing, but enough to feel self-conscious. All I wanted for Christmas was my Dad. That was the longest 3.5 minutes of my life. I was just glad that it was dark and no-one could see, because Lord knows I doubt they'd understand. I think we've established that I'm a soft sod …… but don't tell anyone! ;)
Most of them had the empathy and tact of, well, something with no empathy or tact. They were jaded by life for the most part and, to be honest, I didn't really like to talk about it that first year – or any other for that matter. I think most were completely oblivious that anything was wrong. I have no idea how far round work my loss had got, but it was all very 'carry on regardless'. In future years I would mention Dad in passing, but no-one really asked about him. I suppose if they didn't know they probably just thought he'd left – I mean, I admit it isn't common for a twenty-something to lose a parent, and he was so poorly that last year that for the four months I was at Spencer before he died no-one had seen him. Mum was my I.C.E contact – made sense as she would likely outlive my Dad.
People don't always seem to understand that I just don't do Christmassy at the moment. No doubt at some point in the future I will, but it's just a long time coming. I suppose part of the problem is the focus. In all probability if I had a family of my own it'd give me a reason to get into the spirit, but that's not the case. I'm lucky, if lucky is the right word, in that here there are 2 people in my new department who have experienced the same fairly recently and have an idea of how I'm feeling even after nearly four years. Yes. It will be four years come 29 December. I didn't think it'd take me this long to 'recover', but swings and roundabouts I guess. My manager mentioned that come December the Christmas tree would go up and they'd get all festive. He asked if that would be a problem– equality and inclusiveness in case I was a member of some religion that didn't do Christmas I guess, so I felt it was only fair to say that it wouldn't be a problem, but that I was likely to get very quiet at times and explained why. He was very understanding.
My first quiet period came yesterday. I'd been quiet all day – during the morning due to my bad week, and by mid-afternoon when I still hadn't said very much due to my depressive nature raising its head he asked if I was OK. I just said I was a bit pre-occupied and he said that even though he was busy with month end stuff, if I needed to talk …… I lost count of the number of times I nearly burst into tears, especially when stuff kept going wrong and I got even more down. Then at the end of the day, one of the other girls asked if I was OK because I'd been quiet. I told her I was just preoccupied – which is true, I just didn't say about what. At least they noticed here. I guess it comes back to the comfort level. I've been much more comfortable here than I ever was at Spencer, so my sociable side came out within the first week or so – something they never really saw at Spencer because of the attitude people had towards me which I've mentioned a couple of times previously. ;) They're more embracing here. I don't feel isolated. OK. There are times when I do but that's due more to me still trying to get to grips with how things work here, but my bubbly side has still come out. I don't feel uncomfortable like I did before. It just made my lack of interaction more noticeable – they didn't just assume it was my cold fish-ness coming out. I didn't mention any of this to Mum, although whilst out with Kerry last night, and still feeling a little bit down, I did tell her all about what had happened. We both decided that mentioning it to Mum would probably just make her worry about me and bring her down too. So it was me and Kerry against the depression. Lol!! I felt better for it, and I feel a bit more positive today, but we'll see what happens.
I don't think I used to be a deep thinker …… or an emotional wreck for that matter. It's like I've said before. On the one hand losing Dad was a positive. I decided I had to take life by the horns and go with it …… I didn't realise it'd be quite as tiring as it turned out to be though. Lol!! I still have my quiet periods -- those moments when something happens that cause me to dwell on my Dad and how things may have turned out. Then I remember that if he were still around I would still only be 10 years old. I wasn't allowed to spread my wings because he was very protective and old fashioned. I run my own life now. I do what I want when I want to. If there's a show I want to see all I need to do is ask Mum if it clashes with her social life and give Kerry a call/send a text/send an email (when it works!!)*. ;) There's very little holding me back these days …… now if only I could get a career I really love, marry a rock star or win the lottery ……
*Delete as applicable.
H.
xx
I've not been too fond of Christmas since that year. It's supposed to be a joyous affair and you hear people discussing how they're spending Christmas with family and how they've bought their folks this, that and the other and it just reminds me that half my parentage isn't around anymore. The first year was the worst. It was coming up to the anniversary and I'd forced myself to get out there and socialise in the hopes it'd take my mind off it, and for a little while it did. I was at work's Christmas do and you know how these things work. All the Christmassy songs come at the end of the night and I was fine with Slade and the like, but then Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' came over the disco and I started crying. Not all out sobbing, but enough to feel self-conscious. All I wanted for Christmas was my Dad. That was the longest 3.5 minutes of my life. I was just glad that it was dark and no-one could see, because Lord knows I doubt they'd understand. I think we've established that I'm a soft sod …… but don't tell anyone! ;)
Most of them had the empathy and tact of, well, something with no empathy or tact. They were jaded by life for the most part and, to be honest, I didn't really like to talk about it that first year – or any other for that matter. I think most were completely oblivious that anything was wrong. I have no idea how far round work my loss had got, but it was all very 'carry on regardless'. In future years I would mention Dad in passing, but no-one really asked about him. I suppose if they didn't know they probably just thought he'd left – I mean, I admit it isn't common for a twenty-something to lose a parent, and he was so poorly that last year that for the four months I was at Spencer before he died no-one had seen him. Mum was my I.C.E contact – made sense as she would likely outlive my Dad.
People don't always seem to understand that I just don't do Christmassy at the moment. No doubt at some point in the future I will, but it's just a long time coming. I suppose part of the problem is the focus. In all probability if I had a family of my own it'd give me a reason to get into the spirit, but that's not the case. I'm lucky, if lucky is the right word, in that here there are 2 people in my new department who have experienced the same fairly recently and have an idea of how I'm feeling even after nearly four years. Yes. It will be four years come 29 December. I didn't think it'd take me this long to 'recover', but swings and roundabouts I guess. My manager mentioned that come December the Christmas tree would go up and they'd get all festive. He asked if that would be a problem– equality and inclusiveness in case I was a member of some religion that didn't do Christmas I guess, so I felt it was only fair to say that it wouldn't be a problem, but that I was likely to get very quiet at times and explained why. He was very understanding.
My first quiet period came yesterday. I'd been quiet all day – during the morning due to my bad week, and by mid-afternoon when I still hadn't said very much due to my depressive nature raising its head he asked if I was OK. I just said I was a bit pre-occupied and he said that even though he was busy with month end stuff, if I needed to talk …… I lost count of the number of times I nearly burst into tears, especially when stuff kept going wrong and I got even more down. Then at the end of the day, one of the other girls asked if I was OK because I'd been quiet. I told her I was just preoccupied – which is true, I just didn't say about what. At least they noticed here. I guess it comes back to the comfort level. I've been much more comfortable here than I ever was at Spencer, so my sociable side came out within the first week or so – something they never really saw at Spencer because of the attitude people had towards me which I've mentioned a couple of times previously. ;) They're more embracing here. I don't feel isolated. OK. There are times when I do but that's due more to me still trying to get to grips with how things work here, but my bubbly side has still come out. I don't feel uncomfortable like I did before. It just made my lack of interaction more noticeable – they didn't just assume it was my cold fish-ness coming out. I didn't mention any of this to Mum, although whilst out with Kerry last night, and still feeling a little bit down, I did tell her all about what had happened. We both decided that mentioning it to Mum would probably just make her worry about me and bring her down too. So it was me and Kerry against the depression. Lol!! I felt better for it, and I feel a bit more positive today, but we'll see what happens.
I don't think I used to be a deep thinker …… or an emotional wreck for that matter. It's like I've said before. On the one hand losing Dad was a positive. I decided I had to take life by the horns and go with it …… I didn't realise it'd be quite as tiring as it turned out to be though. Lol!! I still have my quiet periods -- those moments when something happens that cause me to dwell on my Dad and how things may have turned out. Then I remember that if he were still around I would still only be 10 years old. I wasn't allowed to spread my wings because he was very protective and old fashioned. I run my own life now. I do what I want when I want to. If there's a show I want to see all I need to do is ask Mum if it clashes with her social life and give Kerry a call/send a text/send an email (when it works!!)*. ;) There's very little holding me back these days …… now if only I could get a career I really love, marry a rock star or win the lottery ……
*Delete as applicable.
H.
xx
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