Sometimes I think there's still a big hole in my heart. It occurred to me yesterday when I got in a right state at work. Yesterday afternoon I'd got everything done that I could do which gave me time to think, which is never really a good idea anyway, but it's even worse in December …… and March. . I'd already had a bad week and my lack of work gave me time to reflect on my Dad and how he wasn't here. I just kind of sunk into some kind of funk in the space of a couple of hours. It was the longest afternoon of my life, with the exception of that first day back at work after the funeral.
I've not been too fond of Christmas since that year. It's supposed to be a joyous affair and you hear people discussing how they're spending Christmas with family and how they've bought their folks this, that and the other and it just reminds me that half my parentage isn't around anymore. The first year was the worst. It was coming up to the anniversary and I'd forced myself to get out there and socialise in the hopes it'd take my mind off it, and for a little while it did. I was at work's Christmas do and you know how these things work. All the Christmassy songs come at the end of the night and I was fine with Slade and the like, but then Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' came over the disco and I started crying. Not all out sobbing, but enough to feel self-conscious. All I wanted for Christmas was my Dad. That was the longest 3.5 minutes of my life. I was just glad that it was dark and no-one could see, because Lord knows I doubt they'd understand. I think we've established that I'm a soft sod …… but don't tell anyone! ;)
Most of them had the empathy and tact of, well, something with no empathy or tact. They were jaded by life for the most part and, to be honest, I didn't really like to talk about it that first year – or any other for that matter. I think most were completely oblivious that anything was wrong. I have no idea how far round work my loss had got, but it was all very 'carry on regardless'. In future years I would mention Dad in passing, but no-one really asked about him. I suppose if they didn't know they probably just thought he'd left – I mean, I admit it isn't common for a twenty-something to lose a parent, and he was so poorly that last year that for the four months I was at Spencer before he died no-one had seen him. Mum was my I.C.E contact – made sense as she would likely outlive my Dad.
People don't always seem to understand that I just don't do Christmassy at the moment. No doubt at some point in the future I will, but it's just a long time coming. I suppose part of the problem is the focus. In all probability if I had a family of my own it'd give me a reason to get into the spirit, but that's not the case. I'm lucky, if lucky is the right word, in that here there are 2 people in my new department who have experienced the same fairly recently and have an idea of how I'm feeling even after nearly four years. Yes. It will be four years come 29 December. I didn't think it'd take me this long to 'recover', but swings and roundabouts I guess. My manager mentioned that come December the Christmas tree would go up and they'd get all festive. He asked if that would be a problem– equality and inclusiveness in case I was a member of some religion that didn't do Christmas I guess, so I felt it was only fair to say that it wouldn't be a problem, but that I was likely to get very quiet at times and explained why. He was very understanding.
My first quiet period came yesterday. I'd been quiet all day – during the morning due to my bad week, and by mid-afternoon when I still hadn't said very much due to my depressive nature raising its head he asked if I was OK. I just said I was a bit pre-occupied and he said that even though he was busy with month end stuff, if I needed to talk …… I lost count of the number of times I nearly burst into tears, especially when stuff kept going wrong and I got even more down. Then at the end of the day, one of the other girls asked if I was OK because I'd been quiet. I told her I was just preoccupied – which is true, I just didn't say about what. At least they noticed here. I guess it comes back to the comfort level. I've been much more comfortable here than I ever was at Spencer, so my sociable side came out within the first week or so – something they never really saw at Spencer because of the attitude people had towards me which I've mentioned a couple of times previously. ;) They're more embracing here. I don't feel isolated. OK. There are times when I do but that's due more to me still trying to get to grips with how things work here, but my bubbly side has still come out. I don't feel uncomfortable like I did before. It just made my lack of interaction more noticeable – they didn't just assume it was my cold fish-ness coming out. I didn't mention any of this to Mum, although whilst out with Kerry last night, and still feeling a little bit down, I did tell her all about what had happened. We both decided that mentioning it to Mum would probably just make her worry about me and bring her down too. So it was me and Kerry against the depression. Lol!! I felt better for it, and I feel a bit more positive today, but we'll see what happens.
I don't think I used to be a deep thinker …… or an emotional wreck for that matter. It's like I've said before. On the one hand losing Dad was a positive. I decided I had to take life by the horns and go with it …… I didn't realise it'd be quite as tiring as it turned out to be though. Lol!! I still have my quiet periods -- those moments when something happens that cause me to dwell on my Dad and how things may have turned out. Then I remember that if he were still around I would still only be 10 years old. I wasn't allowed to spread my wings because he was very protective and old fashioned. I run my own life now. I do what I want when I want to. If there's a show I want to see all I need to do is ask Mum if it clashes with her social life and give Kerry a call/send a text/send an email (when it works!!)*. ;) There's very little holding me back these days …… now if only I could get a career I really love, marry a rock star or win the lottery ……
*Delete as applicable.
H.
xx
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