Another One Bites The Dust

As per usual the new year came in like a damp squib this year. I think this festive season I’ve had a much more difficult time mentally than in previous years. To be perfectly honest, it’s been on a par with the entrance of 2005 …. bad year, but not quite as bad as the year before, but just a lot of stuff going on in my head this year. 2010 is now upon us and, as has become traditional, it’s time for the “how much has my life sucked” blog to arrive. I still have it better than most. At least I’m employed. Not happily employed but employed nonetheless and for that at least I should be grateful if I can’t be happy about it.
To be perfectly honest this year has been much less eventful than previous years. An uncertain employment situation hasn’t really help with the jauntage this year – my desire to arrange anything kinda lulling until I knew in June that I still had a job. Being told you’ll be employed verbally and getting it in writing in the current economic climate are 2 completely different things, so I didn’t exactly feel happy organising anything until I was settled and knew funding it wouldn’t be a problem. A couple of theatre trips, a comedy gig or 2 and 3 gigs is kinda pitiful considering my past performance – guess Paddy wasn’t touring this year. ;) I have however also spent a lot of time with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Feeling responsible for what other people do or putting other people first and feeling generally miserable.

I regained my passion for Jovi this year, not that I’m really convinced it ever went away. It just hit a new level this year with 2 trans-Atlantic trips on the cards. It doesn’t seem at the moment that I’ll be spending much time at home during April to July this year …. well maybe I will but the trips I’m planning are VERY close The 30th birthday New York trip has been put on hold for a little while for various reasons, but my 30th year will be celebrated in style with a Jovi gig in Dallas the day before. I think it’ll make me very happy (especially if a certain rock star serenades me on the night ;)) and at least it’s something different. My Jovi jauntage this year will be Dallas in April, 3 nights at Meadowlands in May and 3 more at the O2 in June – more if I manage to get the job I want and relocate to the capital …. or if the boss will allow me more days off. ;) I promise, until they start kicking off I will say no more. :) I have also invested in a ticket for a Kiss gig in May for fun and laughs. Apparently it’s a good show so it should be an experience if nothing else.

Speaking of work, I’m still on the lookout for my calling in this world. I think I’ve begrudgingly come to the reality that if I don’t manage to turn my life around this year, doing something I want to, rather than something I HAVE to, I never will. Certainly not the situation I find myself In now. My current work environment is consistently uncomfortable, stressful, and soul destroying. As I’ve said before, my boss exasperates me; be it the way he manages his department, his seeming lack of interpersonal skills or that he feels the need to ask everyone about everyone else’s job, apart from the person whose job it is if that makes sense. Also with my colleague and friend Suze leaving in about a week I think it will be even worse. When it all comes down to it, she keeps me sane in the place. The new girl will have a helluva a job to fill those boots. ;)

I did find a job that I thought I could really get my teeth into but I’ve not heard anything about it and it’s now seemingly unavailable. Whether that’s because they’ve just not told me they want me for interview, or if it wasn’t meant to be we’ll discover after Christmas. It may just have been taken down for the break.

I also need to attempt that whole “health” thing again. I kinda gave up on it when my numbers weren’t dropping even though my diet isn’t REALLY all that bad and I was doing my session every day. Of course, I STILL have no idea why it came to such an abrupt halt when my calorie intake was seemingly below the recommended intake and my activity level obviously increased.

I’m trying to embrace the whole “live your life” philosophy. I think I need to start playing the lottery or get a better job to fund my exploits! Lol!! So what’s brought about all this crap? It’s been a bad year in the world this year, and I don’t mean mine. It’s been difficult to see so many of my childhood idols leave this mortal coil and not one of them SHOULD have died …. all way too young to have left this plane of existence – the most recent being Brittany Murphy (only 2 years my senior) and the drummer from Avenged Sevenfold (never listened to them but the fact he was only 28 kinda freaked me out more). It kind of brought my own mortality even more to the fore. I’ve had this feeling for 6 years after losing my Dad, but I think someone high profile and my age kinda brings it back even more. What do they say? But for the grace of God that could be me – and I’m so not the religious type.

These people are all individuals who knew what they wanted, did it and I’m pretty sure enjoyed it and therefore lived life for them. Yeah, they had their obligations as we all do, but they had a life doing for them too. That’s something I need to do. I spend way too much of my time, seemingly even more so this year, putting my life on hold and putting everyone else first, or feeling responsible for other people and their actions but whereas the former may be an admirable trait, I need to learn to be selfish on occasion. ;)

OK, so this has turned into less of a retrospective and more of a “what’s to come”. Either way it’s suitable for this type of blog this time of year. I could go into how I’ve spent way too much money on CD’s and Guitar Hero this year, or how I bought my first ever concert tee from an actual concert rather than eBay, or that I have now entered the 21st century at last buy purchasing a Wii, DS and a DVR this year …. but everyone knows how much I enjoy a good ol’ shopping spree. ;)

I will , however, add one more thing. For another year I have had the best friends ever. You've been amazing yet again. I know you always are and you know I always appreciate it but I'm not sure I actually SAY it enough. Once again you've let me bitch and moan at you, regardless of what is happening with you, and have never asked for anything in return and for that I thank you. You keep me sane and you have no idea just how much I love you guys! xx


Here’s hoping that 2010 turns out to be a better experience for us all whether we realise it or not. Happy new year everyone. :)

H.
xx

The Grind

Well I'm stuck at work with plenty to do and a half empty department and I'm bored stupid. I SO don't want to be here right now. Think I'm getting the pre-Christmas blues. Figured out that it's 44 days until Christmas day .... 49 until I get to mark the anniversary of the day my life started falling apart …. that's depressing. Glad all my Christmas shopping is done. I've also realised I’ve spent a year in a job that depresses and annoys me in equal measure and trying to find ways to escape. That's not healthy. I have an overwhelming urge to blog. I need to get some shit out of my system I think.

It's been nice that the boss hasn't been here the last couple of weeks. It's meant we can actually have a conversation for a change without feeling stares at your back or getting sarcastic comments about the Women’s Institute. Have I mentioned my boss exasperates me?? No?? Well I meant to .... he seems to be coasting until retirement. He doesn't want to rock the boat so he won't have to actually do anything .... like addressing the issues in the department no matter how often they’re brought to his attention. It’s so dysfunctional it isn’t even funny. There’s the expectation that, when he retires in a few years, the QA department will cease to exist. I’m actually hoping for that day to come if I can’t get out.

He's back on Wednesday. I was hoping I wouldn't be here, that I would have motivated myself to apply for a new job while I was on leave a couple of weeks back, been offered it, handed my notice to HR and then only had to deal with him for about a week and a half .... not a chance though. Just not had the energy .... I need to do something though. I know. I need to stop talking about it and Nike it but I'm too chicken!! Lol!! At least I KNOW I’m chicken.

I think I've convinced myself to apply for it but I'm finding it hard to send the application. It's funny because a couple of years ago I was doing everything in my power to escape .... applying for anything and everything. I think my confidence took a real knock at my old job. I couldn't do right for doing wrong there and when I was made redundant I was a mess because I was just getting myself sorted out. That was the second time the rug was pulled out from under me. I sometimes feel the same way about this job - that I can't do right for doing wrong, and that I should have "No fucker told me!!" tattooed on my forehead!! Thing is it seems to be affecting every other part of my life lately …. either that or I’m bi-polar (sorry tri-polar. ;)). It’s also ironic that I’ve been listening a lot to the new Bon Jovi album – yes, I finally listened to it and have had it on repeat for near enough a fortnight. Every word of that album is telling me that I need to start doing for myself, that I’ve earned the right to do so and I need to grab life by the balls and go for it, but even that hasn’t quite spurred me on yet.

After my positivity about Wii-ing the other day I’m struggling to find the motivation to actually do it. After a full day working somewhere that seems to suck the life out of you and destroy your soul, the last thing I want to do is come home and work out. I just want to unwind after 8 hours of being shit on from a great height.

The entire situation I find myself in at the moment isn’t helped by the fact that my mother has an incredible ability to shit on everything I decide from a great height so I then back way very quickly and doubt myself. Rather than just being supportive and saying “go for it, if it doesn’t work out at least you can come home knowing you gave it a shot” she becomes realistic and it just makes me second guess myself and my decision. Drives me nuts!! I don’t know if part of it is because I am her only child and she’s trying to protect me, or to not lose me, but I’m treading water and I’m tired. I’m not quite ready to resign myself to the life plan that seems to be set out before me at the moment. I think my first act of ‘rebellion’ has been to go against everything I was brought up to believe in a financial sense and ‘waste’ my money on a holiday (or several). I don’t think she’s exactly happy about it, but I definitely wasn’t about to let her shit on that too. I will get to see new places, meet new people, and go and see the band I’ve loved for 15 years on their own turf. That can only be a good thing. My life has been on hold for so long. Surely I’m allowed a break??

In other news, my 3 day old pair of uniform trousers split down the seam at some point. Not as embarrassing as you might imagine but I noticed a thigh height breeze as I was walking across the car park after work last night and the stitching had gone. Looked like it had run out of cotton tbh but it hardly says good quality. It's about an inch long .... doesn't bode well but I'm going to employ mummy dearest to fix it. I should probably complain to work but the way it is in that place it won't do any good. No-one gives a damn .... they couldn't be arsed to help with a solution when my blouses were itchy as hell so I doubt anyone'll give a damn now ....

Anyway, back to the grind and my last few days of boss-less freedom .... if anyone sees the Jovi Jet, send it my way. I would like to be rescued thank you very much …. *sigh*

Live Before You Die

Well the plans for the big 3-0 didn’t exactly fall through. More like been put on hiatus for reasons only a few of us know, but it’s still a big year for me so I decided to do something very silly and make it a full on Jovi year …. well, for a few months anyway but it’ll feel longer!! Lol!!

I will admit that as much as I would love to follow the boys from country to country, staying in the same hotels and seeing every show they do next year (and, it seems, sounding more and more like a stalker) I’m afraid my budget will only stretch so far so I had to set me a limit. That limit became a little more flexible as time went on but meh. I have the savings, I can’t take it with me, and I have a lot of Jovi time to make up for.

I’ve been saving religiously for …. well I’m not really sure what for these days. The original plan was to pay off my student loan. At some point I figured “Fuck it. It’s not costing me anything and it won’t be used against me if and when I go for a mortgage” and then, bolstered by an unexpected win on the Premium Bonds a couple of years back, began saving just because it had become a habit, a good habit, but a habit nonetheless. Suffice it to say in the 7 years I’ve been saving I’ve managed to get a nice little nest egg together to use for a deposit or whatever.

I’ve not really gone without during that period and figured it was about time I treated myself so that was one of the reasons for the NY trip. Now that’s been postponed for a year or so I decided to use some of what I had put away. I’m still saving my money but at the moment what I have is sitting in the bank earning next to no interest (and don’t get me started on what a set of divs Gordon Brown, Mervyn King and the Bank of England are because I may say something I regret – seems everyone else knows how to fix the problem of the economy bar the people who have the power, but then I digress) so may as well use some of it …. so I did it. It’s not something I expect I’ll do regularly but once in a blue moon does no harm. As I have few overheads I can continue to be financially responsible and should be able to replace what I spend in good time.

Truth of it is, it’s one thing to be sensible with your finances, but it’s quite another to put this money away and then die before getting to use it. ;) To quote a well known piece of musical genius “it’s my life, it’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live forever” and if I do die with this nice little nest egg having never been used I will most certainly be kicking myself …. metaphysically speaking ….

So what did I do? I may have bought VIP packages to various Bon Jovi gigs in London, Mecca (aka New Jersey) and, in the next day or 2, Dallas. Like I said, it’s not something I expect I’ll do regularly but this year I wanted to. I also figured I’m past due. It’s been 18 months since I last saw the boys (admittedly a drop in the ocean compared to some!) and I didn’t do anything spectacular, or at ALL, for my 16th, 18th or 21st birthdays for various reasons, the main one being my Dad. AGAIN!!! Loved him to messes but he cocked it all up for several years even though it wasn’t his fault – not like he ASKED to be ill.

And let’s be honest here, what Jovi fan, in their right mind, is going to turn down the opportunity to go to a gig on or at least that near to their birthday; to have their favourite band at their ‘party’. Here’s hoping the girls fix it for me to be serenaded. They’re under orders to ensure they are displaying signage on the night which says “it’s my buds birthday tomorrow Richie. Sing something different for her, and then give her a big sloppy kiss!!” I’m so sick of I’ll Be There For You ….

So that’s the plan. I’m both excited and apprehensive. It’s going to be a whole new adventure having never even got on a plane before. I’m assured it’s like climbing on a bus. It’s quite a leap for the girl who’s never left our fair shores and has only ever driven alone as far afield as Plymouth.

Roll on 2010 ….. :D

And The Circle Continues

It’s kinda funny. I’ve been looking forward to getting my hands on the new Bon Jovi album. Of listening to those songs and relishing them, of reading the liner from cover to cover and marvelling (read: perving) at the hot totty contained within. However now I have it, I seem to be avoiding listening to it. I don’t know why, but bizarrely I feel apprehensive about it. My excitement has been replaced with nervousness about what the rest of the album is like. There’s no good reason to be apprehensive. The songs I have heard (We Weren’t Born To Follow and When We Were Beautiful – the latter of which I absolutely adore) are pretty damn good, and the reviews garnered from the leaked version of the album have all been positive – back to the Jovi we know, love and missed during the last album, so why can’t I flick that play button??

I don’t remember having this trouble with the other albums. I remember getting them home or in the mail, ripping off the cellophane cover (and swearing when I couldn’t find that annoying plastic tape tab, ripping it to my computer and MP3 player, and playing it through from start to finish several times over and reading the lyrics and liner notes and loving it.

I wonder if this time I’m just tired. The other albums have all arrived (for the most part anyway) when I’ve had very little playing on my mind …. but seemingly not this time. As odd as that sounds, despite the fact I’ve had this last week off from work I’ve barely relaxed. Between helping out Suze from a distance with my job and stressing about getting concert tickets and researching and making arrangements for them I’ve never really switched off. I’m also back at work on Monday which means my stress level is ratcheting up again already. I think I want to stop the world and climb off for a minute.

Best Laid Plans

The story of my life. I had planned to go to the Big Apple for my big 3-0 next year, but it seems that plan is this *makes really small gesture with fingers* close to being in jeopardy. I’m jumping the gun. I know I’m jumping the gun as nothing is for sure yet but I like stuff organised, especially something like this. Guess I’m a little OCD in that respect.

As some of you know, the plan was two weeks in NY next April. All was going well …. too well maybe – accommodation was booked, leave days organised and non-refundable flights a weather eye kept on …. then it happened. Not exactly what I expected to happen but it did nonetheless. I was expecting boss’ to be awkward about time off work, or the apartment to burn down, but no, it was something completely out of left field.

That isn’t as cryptic as it sounds. I’m not going into details but it means there is a risk of a potential inability to fly. My solution was a simple one. Surprisingly it wasn't popular though …. wonder why??? ;) OK maybe that is cryptic ....

So now we’re a little in limbo. I still want to go. I will actually only turn 30 once despite inevitably trying to do so repeatedly as time goes on. I have a plan B …. she's said no at the moment, but I’m sure I can wear her down with promises of shoes and Jovi if needs be ….

Wish me luck!!!

Affirmation

There are times in your life when you need a little affirmation that you’re not quite as alone in this world as you thought. It’s silly, I know, but sometimes you get to that point, generally when you haven’t really spoken to anyone to any great extent in a while, when you wonder whether you’re important in anyone’s world. You briefly touch base and sometimes there’s just one line in a conversation that makes you realise that you’re not as far apart from people as you thought.

I was talking to one of my online friends earlier today and we were talking about a variety of things, and one thing that came up was one of our regular haunts that, in recent weeks, I have drifted away from. Firstly because the conversation generally revolves around Jon Bon Jovi, and as much as I am thankful to the man for envisioning and bringing to fruition, that wonderment that is known as “Bon Jovi”, he doesn’t really do it for me and I don’t particularly need to hear about how tight his pants are, or how smooth his chest is, and secondly, I tend to feel isolated when I’m there, even moreso since my li’l sis there has been AWOL. I told my friend that sometimes it feels like the commonality began and ended with Jovi, and even then not so much because of the ratio of Jon girls to the rest of us, and the inherent focus that brings; and how the topic eventually turns to husbands and kids and I end up sat there thinking “Shit, I am so out of my depth right now”.

She said one thing to me, and it’s something I never really thought about before. It kinda got burned in there …. “I feel a 'mom' connection with you since you are so close in age to my own daughter. That .... and we are shoe whores!” She then went on to factor in single-dom, work, music and the internet. And that kind of nailed it.

Out of all the things that go on in that community, I kind of overlooked those things. I was so focussed on the ‘normal’ day to day conversation that goes on in that community that I missed it. Probably more than a little to do with neither of us having spent that much time there recently; her due to the demands of her job, and me because life has been a real kick in the teeth lately and not left me with the energy to really participate in anything in that much depth. The fact that, in the grand scheme of things, in this small corner of the internet, me and this friend do have so much in common …. and we wouldn’t fight each other for the same guy.

So apart from the fact that me and 3 of my friends are actually the same person – having very similar problems and things going on with us, there’s this other connection. Another person who I didn’t realise I had so much in common with.

And internet friendships score another point in the ‘plus’ column ….

Second Base

A little while ago I explained how I’d bought the EA Sports Active game for the Wii. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, after nearly killing myself that first day I kinda shied away from it simply because it took a week for me to recover because I’m in that bad shape. Well I decided to attempt it again. Not the EA Sports thing, but the fitness thing.

My new attempt at sorting out my health came as a result of something that happened that scared me a little. It’s most disconcerting to be doing nothing more than sitting on a couch watching TV and to suddenly, for no apparent reason, getting palpitations and dizziness. Of course, it’s obvious that this is more likely my blood pressure taking a sudden nose dive rather than anything else but it did freak me out some.

I think at that moment it was proved that my blood pressure has been way too high. Whether that’s because of work (knowing what my working environment is like) or whatever, I’m not sure but it was certainly something I needed to address and was not going to be helped at all by my physical fitness.

So that made that decision for me. I ordered Wii Fit and the board and I’ve actually been better at keeping that up than I was at the EA Sports …. and it actually seems to be working …. at least as far as my daily stress level is concerned anyway. It certainly seems to have dropped since I started doing it. Granted I’ve only been at it a few days and the actual physical changes won’t be noticeable for a while but I’m definitely sleeping better and finding it easier to get up in the morning because I’m working my stress out. I think that’s part of where the EA Sports fell down. Firstly it was more high impact and secondly, I was stressing that I couldn’t, and wouldn’t be, able to keep up with it.

Time will tell whether it will be short-lived though, or whether I continue to work at it. I have to admit, even though it’s quite an easy workout, it’s a fun 30 minutes. It doesn’t really feel like a work out. I’m actually glad I bought it …. and afterwards I treat myself to some “You Give Love A Bad Name” on GH5 – I’m a fricking Rock God …. albeit on the easy level …. ;)

I <3 Richie Sambora

As you may or may not be aware, I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan. I am, however, a bigger Richie Sambora (Bon Jovi’s guitarist) fan. Not only is he not bad to look at and seems to have a fantastic personality, but he also wrote 2 of, what I think are, the best albums of the last couple of decades: Stranger in This Town and Undiscovered Soul. I know the popular theory is that members of bands who then go on to record their own solo album are never (or rarely at the very least) as good at what they do as they are when they produce as part of a whole, but I beg to differ.

Recently I’ve found myself listening to my namesake album (i.e. Undiscovered Soul) and whether it’s because of my current mental and emotional state or something altogether different, I’ve found it talking to me. I’ve always known that Richie Sambora is something special. I’ve often said that his talent as a guitarist is what attracted me to him first, and that is true. I remember spending much more of my first Bon Jovi gig in 2006 (yes it took that long for one reason or another and I’m absolutely KICKING myself for it!!!) telling Richie to “work that axe” as opposed to “Squee!!! I want to have your babies Richie!!!” because my first image of Richie Sambora is from the cover of Cross Road where, to be honest, he looked really mean to a then 14 year old girl. For the longest time I wasn’t familiar with his solo work. Yeah I had Jon’s solo stuff, mainly because I loved the Young Guns 2 movie (which, at the time, was more than a little to do with my yen for Christian Slater. ;)) and Jon is the higher profile member of the band so I obviously recognised when his second offering was released – of course the fact the band is his namesake has nothing to do with it.

When I found out that Richie had a couple of solo releases also, of course I went out and bought them. Unfortunately they then spent the next couple of years gathering dust in my CD collection as I reacquainted myself with the band I fell for at 14 that had, alas, been put to one side when I bought into the whole boy band thing for a couple of years in the late 90’s – hence why I know that although, as a Jovi fan, you may stray from the right path, you ALWAYS come back because although they seem to have been classed as an outdated hair band by some (Blashphemy!!!!) there is a depth and soul to a lot of their material that isn’t immediately obvious and you find you miss that. When I finally did get around to listening to these two Sambora albums, I was absolutely blown away. Although there is depth to a Jovi lyric, a Sambora lyric is something else entirely.

I know I harp on a lot about songs from the soul and the depth of lyrics, but if you look, I mean REALLY look, at what Richie Sambora is saying to you, you see that his songs are full of hope. About facing adversity, holding onto your faith (either in yourself, or a higher power), and getting through the other side, and whereas Bon Jovi managed it with Livin’ On A Prayer – a song that, to most, is just a fun rock song, Sambora’s One Light Burning, Undiscovered Soul, Who I Am, etc are songs to be taken seriously. Songs to really listen to and hold on to, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll help you through some of your darkest hours.

The man doesn’t just have a soulful voice .... he has a soulful soul too.

Jovi Whoring!!!

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I’m Having A Crisis!!!!

...... and this time it's not ALL about work ...... or my lack thereof.

HELP!!! I'm already getting to see the Boys in just under a fortnight in Manchester, but I REALLY want to go to see them in Coventry too, however whereas I seem to have decided I want to go I'm having a hard time convincing myself to book the ticket ......

Can someone give me an answer as to why??? Bon Jovi come around here for 6 dates every 2-3 years, so logic (or that could be mass emotional reaction!!) dictates I should take advantage, especially as my lack of passport-age is a major stumbling block to going elsewhere!!

Now, I've found a pretty good ticket for Coventry. It's Block 18 at the Ricoh Arena in Coventry which is about one block from Mr Sambora and his side of the stage (which is a fucking ACE place to be!!), and it's row C ...... it's also £55, which is less than I've already paid for my GC tix ...... but it will mean another night in a hotel (I'm thinking the Ramada. ;))

Somebody talk me round ...... please??? Lol!!

H.
xx