The Grind

Well I'm stuck at work with plenty to do and a half empty department and I'm bored stupid. I SO don't want to be here right now. Think I'm getting the pre-Christmas blues. Figured out that it's 44 days until Christmas day .... 49 until I get to mark the anniversary of the day my life started falling apart …. that's depressing. Glad all my Christmas shopping is done. I've also realised I’ve spent a year in a job that depresses and annoys me in equal measure and trying to find ways to escape. That's not healthy. I have an overwhelming urge to blog. I need to get some shit out of my system I think.

It's been nice that the boss hasn't been here the last couple of weeks. It's meant we can actually have a conversation for a change without feeling stares at your back or getting sarcastic comments about the Women’s Institute. Have I mentioned my boss exasperates me?? No?? Well I meant to .... he seems to be coasting until retirement. He doesn't want to rock the boat so he won't have to actually do anything .... like addressing the issues in the department no matter how often they’re brought to his attention. It’s so dysfunctional it isn’t even funny. There’s the expectation that, when he retires in a few years, the QA department will cease to exist. I’m actually hoping for that day to come if I can’t get out.

He's back on Wednesday. I was hoping I wouldn't be here, that I would have motivated myself to apply for a new job while I was on leave a couple of weeks back, been offered it, handed my notice to HR and then only had to deal with him for about a week and a half .... not a chance though. Just not had the energy .... I need to do something though. I know. I need to stop talking about it and Nike it but I'm too chicken!! Lol!! At least I KNOW I’m chicken.

I think I've convinced myself to apply for it but I'm finding it hard to send the application. It's funny because a couple of years ago I was doing everything in my power to escape .... applying for anything and everything. I think my confidence took a real knock at my old job. I couldn't do right for doing wrong there and when I was made redundant I was a mess because I was just getting myself sorted out. That was the second time the rug was pulled out from under me. I sometimes feel the same way about this job - that I can't do right for doing wrong, and that I should have "No fucker told me!!" tattooed on my forehead!! Thing is it seems to be affecting every other part of my life lately …. either that or I’m bi-polar (sorry tri-polar. ;)). It’s also ironic that I’ve been listening a lot to the new Bon Jovi album – yes, I finally listened to it and have had it on repeat for near enough a fortnight. Every word of that album is telling me that I need to start doing for myself, that I’ve earned the right to do so and I need to grab life by the balls and go for it, but even that hasn’t quite spurred me on yet.

After my positivity about Wii-ing the other day I’m struggling to find the motivation to actually do it. After a full day working somewhere that seems to suck the life out of you and destroy your soul, the last thing I want to do is come home and work out. I just want to unwind after 8 hours of being shit on from a great height.

The entire situation I find myself in at the moment isn’t helped by the fact that my mother has an incredible ability to shit on everything I decide from a great height so I then back way very quickly and doubt myself. Rather than just being supportive and saying “go for it, if it doesn’t work out at least you can come home knowing you gave it a shot” she becomes realistic and it just makes me second guess myself and my decision. Drives me nuts!! I don’t know if part of it is because I am her only child and she’s trying to protect me, or to not lose me, but I’m treading water and I’m tired. I’m not quite ready to resign myself to the life plan that seems to be set out before me at the moment. I think my first act of ‘rebellion’ has been to go against everything I was brought up to believe in a financial sense and ‘waste’ my money on a holiday (or several). I don’t think she’s exactly happy about it, but I definitely wasn’t about to let her shit on that too. I will get to see new places, meet new people, and go and see the band I’ve loved for 15 years on their own turf. That can only be a good thing. My life has been on hold for so long. Surely I’m allowed a break??

In other news, my 3 day old pair of uniform trousers split down the seam at some point. Not as embarrassing as you might imagine but I noticed a thigh height breeze as I was walking across the car park after work last night and the stitching had gone. Looked like it had run out of cotton tbh but it hardly says good quality. It's about an inch long .... doesn't bode well but I'm going to employ mummy dearest to fix it. I should probably complain to work but the way it is in that place it won't do any good. No-one gives a damn .... they couldn't be arsed to help with a solution when my blouses were itchy as hell so I doubt anyone'll give a damn now ....

Anyway, back to the grind and my last few days of boss-less freedom .... if anyone sees the Jovi Jet, send it my way. I would like to be rescued thank you very much …. *sigh*

Wonders of Wii-ing

It’s been a month or so since I embarked on Wii fitness. Admittedly I’m probably not being as dedicated to it as I could be but let’s be honest, after putting in 8 hours in the most mind numbingly stressful job I’ve ever had the misfortune to hold, who can blame me?!? But I’m still sticking with it ….

I’ll admit I’m impatient and not getting results as fast as I want – I was kinda hoping I’d drop about 4 dress sizes and several stone in 2 months - a girl can dream right?? ;) – but that’s not to say I’m not getting any results. I now don’t get out of breath as quickly as I used to, I’ve not had any funny turns and the blouse I’m forced to wear at my job feels a little looser. I’ve also noticed that the new underwear I bought a couple of months ago is also looser round the back. Y’know what I mean. They say you’re supposed to gradually work your way down the hooks but I’ve jumped 2 pairs with [a little] room to spare. Not that I’m ready to buy a smaller back size. That would mean at least two extra cup sizes – I’m not sure you can even BUY scaffolding that size?!?!?!?

The week before last, when I was on leave I cranked it up to an hour – a direct result of watching Diet Doctors on the Tuesday and listening to the horrors of what I could be doing to myself. I need to discipline myself to do an hour every night whether I want to or not. I haven’t looked much at my diet. I did a rough calculation on a website for my calorie intake (I hate how it sounds like I’m counting calories) and I don’t eat nearly enough of them from their calculations it seems. That’s probably why I’m struggling a little; not taking in enough energy. The job stress probably isn’t helping either. Weight retention as a result of stress is a pretty good bet. I probably need more sleep too, but when a lot of your friends live elsewhere in the world it’s difficult to keep in touch with them, work a full time job and get sufficient sleep. I'm also wondering if it may be a plan to try the Slim Fast thing - not as n "instead of 2 meals a day" thing, but rather to make sure I have SOMETHING to eat first thing. I'm one of these strange people who, a) doesn't generally leave enough time in the morning for breakfast, and b) can't really stomach the idea of breakfast before 10 am. I need to research that idea more though ....

I’ve tended to stick with the Aerobic exercises, specifically the Free Step almost exclusively on the Wii Fit. It means I can watch TV (or listen to some music) while I do my exercise which is better than trying to get excited over a routine that doesn’t change (and apparently doesn’t always register my steps which means it LIES!!! Lol!!). Two half hour routines on that, one immediately after the other, seems to feel more positive than lots of two minute games which lends itself to lots of cooling down in between. Get’s the sweat and heart rate up and keeps it there, leaving a quick enough break to rehydrate. Ooh, get me sounding like I know what I’m talking about. Lol!!!

I also invested in the new Wii Fit Plus software to help break the monotony. I know that sounds bad but it was really just for a bit of variety on the exercises I seem drawn to on there. The most fun exercises in the original are the Aerobic and Balance games but once you’ve got the hang of them and filled up the top 10 scores they’re a bit same old and hard to improve on. It doesn’t really help to encourage you to keep trying them out. ;)

I’ve been told it takes 3 months to see results. I’ve decided I have until March. I want to have had my turning point by my 30th birthday. I will probably be disappointed, but as long as I have a goal to work towards I’m likely to be more focussed on achieving it.

So that’s where I am now. Should be fun …. :s

Second Base

A little while ago I explained how I’d bought the EA Sports Active game for the Wii. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, after nearly killing myself that first day I kinda shied away from it simply because it took a week for me to recover because I’m in that bad shape. Well I decided to attempt it again. Not the EA Sports thing, but the fitness thing.

My new attempt at sorting out my health came as a result of something that happened that scared me a little. It’s most disconcerting to be doing nothing more than sitting on a couch watching TV and to suddenly, for no apparent reason, getting palpitations and dizziness. Of course, it’s obvious that this is more likely my blood pressure taking a sudden nose dive rather than anything else but it did freak me out some.

I think at that moment it was proved that my blood pressure has been way too high. Whether that’s because of work (knowing what my working environment is like) or whatever, I’m not sure but it was certainly something I needed to address and was not going to be helped at all by my physical fitness.

So that made that decision for me. I ordered Wii Fit and the board and I’ve actually been better at keeping that up than I was at the EA Sports …. and it actually seems to be working …. at least as far as my daily stress level is concerned anyway. It certainly seems to have dropped since I started doing it. Granted I’ve only been at it a few days and the actual physical changes won’t be noticeable for a while but I’m definitely sleeping better and finding it easier to get up in the morning because I’m working my stress out. I think that’s part of where the EA Sports fell down. Firstly it was more high impact and secondly, I was stressing that I couldn’t, and wouldn’t be, able to keep up with it.

Time will tell whether it will be short-lived though, or whether I continue to work at it. I have to admit, even though it’s quite an easy workout, it’s a fun 30 minutes. It doesn’t really feel like a work out. I’m actually glad I bought it …. and afterwards I treat myself to some “You Give Love A Bad Name” on GH5 – I’m a fricking Rock God …. albeit on the easy level …. ;)

Not On The First Date

I came to the conclusion in recent times that it would probably be a good idea to try and get fit and lose some weight. Reason being that since I started my job I seem to have put on a little extra weight. So I wasn’t Kate Moss to start with, but I’ve been shocked recently when clothes that I used to fit in are feeling a little snug. It’s probably more than a little to do with the freebies we get at work that, let’s be honest, aren’t that good for a girl or her waistline.

I bought a Wii a couple of months ago on the pretense that I could buy the Wii Fit and work on trimming the waistline and get to a point where a defibrillator isn’t required when I reach the top of a flight of stairs. Up until now, the Wii has done a little Wii Sports, but has done more Guitar Hero – hey 5 coloured buttons and a switch are probably the only way that I’ll ever be able to play guitar with even a modicum of success despite the purchase of a guitar and amp my Mum made for me at Christmas. I’m a wimp – guitar strings make my fingers hurt. I’ll try it another day …. probably.

But I digress, back to the story. I’d been looking at the various Wii fitness aids/games (Wii Fit, My Fitness Trainer, etc), looked at the pros and cons, and reviews and eventually plumped for the EA Sports Active ‘game’. It arrived on Wednesday and I’ve been gearing myself to give it a whirl since. Well today I did the deed, and learnt a very valuable lesson. If you are one of the most unfit people on the planet do not, for the love of God, jump straight into the 30 day challenge – low impact or not.

I swear, I nearly died. I managed a 15 minute programme on the lowest impact level and didn’t do badly. But the absolute killer was the running (squatting coming a close second, swiftly followed by lunges -- basically anything requiring the use of leg muscles). Yes, there is a walking/running exercise which said 30-day Challenge uses as a warm up/warm down exercise. Not only did those bowling balls of mine very nearly give me a couple of nice black eyes (may be time to invest in a good sports bra, with extra scaffolding!!! ;)), but I could feel the excess inches also flapping around and hurting like hell and I hit that wall so hard and so fast that my legs were jelly by exercise number 3 …. That was about 4 minutes in. I did eventually say goodbye to 156 calories though ....

That’s not the worst part – although it comes close – the worst part was, a mere 5 minutes after my ‘low impact workout’ finished I discovered I had found muscles. My GOD I was getting stiff already. I guess that proves it’s done me some good but even as I write this 5 hours later and after a nice soak in a hot bath I can still feel the stiffness setting in. Every time I get up I’m walking like a navy …. or in an arthritic style. I’m so going to feel this in the morning.

Of course I recommend it right now. Does a bit of everything – lunges, squats, boxing …. inline skating!?!?!? – but time will tell whether it gets boxed away after a few weeks or it kills me. But nevertheless, the moral of the story is this. Don’t EVER think that you can just jump straight in at the deep end even if it is just a video game. Work up to it. I think I may have to try something different tomorrow …. if I can walk …..