The Grind

Well I'm stuck at work with plenty to do and a half empty department and I'm bored stupid. I SO don't want to be here right now. Think I'm getting the pre-Christmas blues. Figured out that it's 44 days until Christmas day .... 49 until I get to mark the anniversary of the day my life started falling apart …. that's depressing. Glad all my Christmas shopping is done. I've also realised I’ve spent a year in a job that depresses and annoys me in equal measure and trying to find ways to escape. That's not healthy. I have an overwhelming urge to blog. I need to get some shit out of my system I think.

It's been nice that the boss hasn't been here the last couple of weeks. It's meant we can actually have a conversation for a change without feeling stares at your back or getting sarcastic comments about the Women’s Institute. Have I mentioned my boss exasperates me?? No?? Well I meant to .... he seems to be coasting until retirement. He doesn't want to rock the boat so he won't have to actually do anything .... like addressing the issues in the department no matter how often they’re brought to his attention. It’s so dysfunctional it isn’t even funny. There’s the expectation that, when he retires in a few years, the QA department will cease to exist. I’m actually hoping for that day to come if I can’t get out.

He's back on Wednesday. I was hoping I wouldn't be here, that I would have motivated myself to apply for a new job while I was on leave a couple of weeks back, been offered it, handed my notice to HR and then only had to deal with him for about a week and a half .... not a chance though. Just not had the energy .... I need to do something though. I know. I need to stop talking about it and Nike it but I'm too chicken!! Lol!! At least I KNOW I’m chicken.

I think I've convinced myself to apply for it but I'm finding it hard to send the application. It's funny because a couple of years ago I was doing everything in my power to escape .... applying for anything and everything. I think my confidence took a real knock at my old job. I couldn't do right for doing wrong there and when I was made redundant I was a mess because I was just getting myself sorted out. That was the second time the rug was pulled out from under me. I sometimes feel the same way about this job - that I can't do right for doing wrong, and that I should have "No fucker told me!!" tattooed on my forehead!! Thing is it seems to be affecting every other part of my life lately …. either that or I’m bi-polar (sorry tri-polar. ;)). It’s also ironic that I’ve been listening a lot to the new Bon Jovi album – yes, I finally listened to it and have had it on repeat for near enough a fortnight. Every word of that album is telling me that I need to start doing for myself, that I’ve earned the right to do so and I need to grab life by the balls and go for it, but even that hasn’t quite spurred me on yet.

After my positivity about Wii-ing the other day I’m struggling to find the motivation to actually do it. After a full day working somewhere that seems to suck the life out of you and destroy your soul, the last thing I want to do is come home and work out. I just want to unwind after 8 hours of being shit on from a great height.

The entire situation I find myself in at the moment isn’t helped by the fact that my mother has an incredible ability to shit on everything I decide from a great height so I then back way very quickly and doubt myself. Rather than just being supportive and saying “go for it, if it doesn’t work out at least you can come home knowing you gave it a shot” she becomes realistic and it just makes me second guess myself and my decision. Drives me nuts!! I don’t know if part of it is because I am her only child and she’s trying to protect me, or to not lose me, but I’m treading water and I’m tired. I’m not quite ready to resign myself to the life plan that seems to be set out before me at the moment. I think my first act of ‘rebellion’ has been to go against everything I was brought up to believe in a financial sense and ‘waste’ my money on a holiday (or several). I don’t think she’s exactly happy about it, but I definitely wasn’t about to let her shit on that too. I will get to see new places, meet new people, and go and see the band I’ve loved for 15 years on their own turf. That can only be a good thing. My life has been on hold for so long. Surely I’m allowed a break??

In other news, my 3 day old pair of uniform trousers split down the seam at some point. Not as embarrassing as you might imagine but I noticed a thigh height breeze as I was walking across the car park after work last night and the stitching had gone. Looked like it had run out of cotton tbh but it hardly says good quality. It's about an inch long .... doesn't bode well but I'm going to employ mummy dearest to fix it. I should probably complain to work but the way it is in that place it won't do any good. No-one gives a damn .... they couldn't be arsed to help with a solution when my blouses were itchy as hell so I doubt anyone'll give a damn now ....

Anyway, back to the grind and my last few days of boss-less freedom .... if anyone sees the Jovi Jet, send it my way. I would like to be rescued thank you very much …. *sigh*

Wonders of Wii-ing

It’s been a month or so since I embarked on Wii fitness. Admittedly I’m probably not being as dedicated to it as I could be but let’s be honest, after putting in 8 hours in the most mind numbingly stressful job I’ve ever had the misfortune to hold, who can blame me?!? But I’m still sticking with it ….

I’ll admit I’m impatient and not getting results as fast as I want – I was kinda hoping I’d drop about 4 dress sizes and several stone in 2 months - a girl can dream right?? ;) – but that’s not to say I’m not getting any results. I now don’t get out of breath as quickly as I used to, I’ve not had any funny turns and the blouse I’m forced to wear at my job feels a little looser. I’ve also noticed that the new underwear I bought a couple of months ago is also looser round the back. Y’know what I mean. They say you’re supposed to gradually work your way down the hooks but I’ve jumped 2 pairs with [a little] room to spare. Not that I’m ready to buy a smaller back size. That would mean at least two extra cup sizes – I’m not sure you can even BUY scaffolding that size?!?!?!?

The week before last, when I was on leave I cranked it up to an hour – a direct result of watching Diet Doctors on the Tuesday and listening to the horrors of what I could be doing to myself. I need to discipline myself to do an hour every night whether I want to or not. I haven’t looked much at my diet. I did a rough calculation on a website for my calorie intake (I hate how it sounds like I’m counting calories) and I don’t eat nearly enough of them from their calculations it seems. That’s probably why I’m struggling a little; not taking in enough energy. The job stress probably isn’t helping either. Weight retention as a result of stress is a pretty good bet. I probably need more sleep too, but when a lot of your friends live elsewhere in the world it’s difficult to keep in touch with them, work a full time job and get sufficient sleep. I'm also wondering if it may be a plan to try the Slim Fast thing - not as n "instead of 2 meals a day" thing, but rather to make sure I have SOMETHING to eat first thing. I'm one of these strange people who, a) doesn't generally leave enough time in the morning for breakfast, and b) can't really stomach the idea of breakfast before 10 am. I need to research that idea more though ....

I’ve tended to stick with the Aerobic exercises, specifically the Free Step almost exclusively on the Wii Fit. It means I can watch TV (or listen to some music) while I do my exercise which is better than trying to get excited over a routine that doesn’t change (and apparently doesn’t always register my steps which means it LIES!!! Lol!!). Two half hour routines on that, one immediately after the other, seems to feel more positive than lots of two minute games which lends itself to lots of cooling down in between. Get’s the sweat and heart rate up and keeps it there, leaving a quick enough break to rehydrate. Ooh, get me sounding like I know what I’m talking about. Lol!!!

I also invested in the new Wii Fit Plus software to help break the monotony. I know that sounds bad but it was really just for a bit of variety on the exercises I seem drawn to on there. The most fun exercises in the original are the Aerobic and Balance games but once you’ve got the hang of them and filled up the top 10 scores they’re a bit same old and hard to improve on. It doesn’t really help to encourage you to keep trying them out. ;)

I’ve been told it takes 3 months to see results. I’ve decided I have until March. I want to have had my turning point by my 30th birthday. I will probably be disappointed, but as long as I have a goal to work towards I’m likely to be more focussed on achieving it.

So that’s where I am now. Should be fun …. :s

And The Circle Continues

It’s kinda funny. I’ve been looking forward to getting my hands on the new Bon Jovi album. Of listening to those songs and relishing them, of reading the liner from cover to cover and marvelling (read: perving) at the hot totty contained within. However now I have it, I seem to be avoiding listening to it. I don’t know why, but bizarrely I feel apprehensive about it. My excitement has been replaced with nervousness about what the rest of the album is like. There’s no good reason to be apprehensive. The songs I have heard (We Weren’t Born To Follow and When We Were Beautiful – the latter of which I absolutely adore) are pretty damn good, and the reviews garnered from the leaked version of the album have all been positive – back to the Jovi we know, love and missed during the last album, so why can’t I flick that play button??

I don’t remember having this trouble with the other albums. I remember getting them home or in the mail, ripping off the cellophane cover (and swearing when I couldn’t find that annoying plastic tape tab, ripping it to my computer and MP3 player, and playing it through from start to finish several times over and reading the lyrics and liner notes and loving it.

I wonder if this time I’m just tired. The other albums have all arrived (for the most part anyway) when I’ve had very little playing on my mind …. but seemingly not this time. As odd as that sounds, despite the fact I’ve had this last week off from work I’ve barely relaxed. Between helping out Suze from a distance with my job and stressing about getting concert tickets and researching and making arrangements for them I’ve never really switched off. I’m also back at work on Monday which means my stress level is ratcheting up again already. I think I want to stop the world and climb off for a minute.

I Don’t Get Paid Enough

Yeah we all say that don’t we .... well here I am. It’s Sunday night and I have reached the end of my week long leave from work. The only problem is I don’t feel like I’ve had much of a break. Not just because a week isn’t long enough – it never is. To be honest I don’t think that a fortnight would have been enough.

What it comes down to is that I’m the key admin person in my department at my place of work. I work in the Quality Assurance department in a ‘retail consortium’ – it’s really just a posh word for wholesaler. There are 3 of us in the admin side of things. one for Consumer Complaints, one Department Co-ordinator (i.e. me) and one ‘floater’ – not a nice description but an appropriate one who covers for both of us and also gets lumbered with the other stuff that other people don’t have time [or think they are too important] to do.

The problem is this. Although our floater, who we shall call Suzie Q (because that’s what I call her!!), has had complete one on one training with our complaints person for a couple of months now, she has yet to have a decent amount of time with me to go through everything I have to do thoroughly so she can cover for me properly when I’m on leave. At the moment things merely tick over until I get back after my leave.

This is the very reason I don’t feel I’ve had a proper break is because I have only had maybe 2 and a half days since Suzie Q started in the department in January of this year (7 months ago as of today’s date) so I have never had the chance to take her through everything I do in the depth I need to for when I'm off. This unsurprisingly means that whenever I am off she ends up having to text or email me to find things out. This means I still have a work head on and don't really relax. Of course on Monday I will have to hit the ground running with no chance to get up to speed on what's happened while I've been off so it'll be hectic. I don't get paid enough ....

I don't blame Suzie Q in the least because I think as far as a lot of the department is concerned my job is only admin and therefore really very easy so it doesn't need a lot of explaining, especially as far as our technical staff are concerned (not that they have any clue what I do most of the time). May be 'easy' on paper but it's complicated if that makes sense and doesn't sound like a contradiction. I didn't design the job so the complications are nothing to do with me and it sounds like I was really lucky, and that the maternity person I was covering for had to really fight to get two months with her before she went on her maternity leave. I know I've only just got the job as a permanent thing but I want out already ....

Going back to work also means I’m one day closer to the return of our maternity leave person. A moment I’m dreading. I have in essence been given her job and I think, although my manager has said I will be taking over from her, she will have a hard time letting go and that certain individuals will have trouble letting her go. She has been doing my [her???] job for 8 years and she would do everything for everybody in the department. I don't do that, mainly because they never asked me, but I just get the feeling that when she is back in QA the techy folks (two of them in particular) and maybe my manager want something to be done then they're going to ask her because she will do it, and they'll eventually gravitate back to getting her to do things and I'll be even less ‘loopy’ than I am now and I'll be sat there twiddling my thumbs and being paid for doing nothing. Sounds good in theory but it's so mind-numbingly BORING when there's naff all to do!!!! I also think she will have trouble not interfering generally (despite what she has reportedly said) and that has been backed up by several members of the department. I’ve been made, by one of my colleagues, to promise to let our manager know if she starts that crap so it can get nipped in the bud quickly .... but it won't. She’s very much the Queen Bee, the darling of the QA department from what I’ve heard and witnessed.

Yep. I’m dreading it. Anyone hiring???