I don't get it. I think I'm missing something. The New Year seems to be a time for optimism but all I seem to see right now is a huge glut of same old same old …… same old job, same old place, same old life, same old face …… hey, I'm nearly a poet!! I think randomness is about to ensue so bear with me ......
Maybe ….. no, it probably is just me. The beginning of a new year is supposed to be a time for reflection, but all my reflections seem to show 2008 as pretty much one long disappointment after another. I try to be optimistic but it isn't helped by this humdrum existence I seem to have eeked out for myself. I just can't seem to find anything in this world that seems to hold my attention for more than just a few months. I have no clue what's wrong with me. Maybe it's because everyone out there seems to be making the most of their lot in life and I just can't. I foolishly thought that after I got a new job my life would be OK again …… but I'm beginning to wonder. I just want to find something – ANYTHING – that would make getting up every day worth it.
I know in these modern times I'm lucky to have what I have. I have a pretty good income and I have a little bit of money put aside which means I don't really have to want for much materialistically. I have enough to find a little bit of money to put aside every month and I have the prospect of a permanent job at the end of this maternity cover I'm currently working (although again, that could change during the next 8 months so we'll call that cautiously optimistic). I'm one of the lucky ones. I could still be one of those poor jobless millions out there that Gordon Brown seems to like to pretend aren't there. The ones who, through no fault of their own, have found themselves suddenly out in the cold and having to scrabble around. I could be one of those people on a fixed income from their small savings pots who, because of the naivete of many millions of others, now find themselves bailing out those people who have over-extended themselves so they didn't get priced out of our over-inflated housing market.
There's something else that bothers me, and that is where I seem to sit on my Mother's list of priorities. I think I'm right at the bottom. After all, I'm sat here on my own on New Year's Eve while my mother is out with the same group of people she's out with pretty much every night of the week, the people whose names and pastime seem to take over every frickin' conversation we ever have, the people who she seems to jump for in an instant, the people who she cancels our plans for because they 'need' her, the people who she can't bear to not spend an evening with, the people she spent Christmas Eve with and the same people she spent pretty much the whole of the 29th December …… the same people who, it seemed this year, I should have been honoured she wasn't spending my birthday with.
I don't deny her a hobby in the least but I just wish that occasionally she would talk about someone or something else. She just doesn't listen anymore. I've lost count of the number of times I've told her something and she's not listened and I've had to repeat it to her several times ….. and she wonders why I get annoyed at her. It seems if it doesn't involve her friends it's not worth bothering with. It's got to the point that because her whole world now revolves around her extra-curriculars that I've started tuning her out. Well if I don't get anything out of her why should I give her any special consideration.
I don't usually do resolutions. That list of aims I mentioned a couple of years back still has some bits outstanding and some I need to do again. Maybe I'll try for those again. Wonder where I put that list anyway …… I'll have to find it, then read that Feel The Fear book I bought about 6 years ago and never finished. Maybe that'll help ……
Anywho, I know I'm early but I hope you all have a wonderful 2009. I'm certainly hoping for a better 2009 then I seem to have had in 2008 if that makes sense. I know for some it will already be too late to wish you the HNY as it already is, but have a fabulous and fun-filled one full of health, happiness and all that jazz.
H.
Xx
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